Madness is in the Eye of the Beholder
by Sara Jaye
Summary: A series of slightly odd drabbles, featuring strange situations and exaggerated premises. In other words, a collection of crackfics.
1. Earrings

"Hector?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still...think of me as attractive?" Eliwood asked.

"Why?"

"Well, ever since I got my ear pierced, you've been giving me funny looks." Eliwood glanced in the mirror. "It doesn't look gay or anything, does it?"

"No way!" Hector laughed. "You still look awesome, and the earring just...enhances your awesomeness!"

Eliwood sighed.

"You think it looks stupid, don't you?"

"No! Of course not! It...just looks really different," Hector said.

"Good different or bad different?"

"Eliwood!"

"Well?"

"No, it looks awesome and badass and Ninian will think it looks awesome and badass, too. Happy now?"

And then, a thought struck him.

"...you think Farina might find me sexier if I got an earring, too?" he asked. Eliwood grinned.

"Only one way to find out!"


	2. Consequences

"Hector...remember that passionate night we had?"

"Do I!" Hector grinned. Eliwood bit his nail uncomfortably.

"...Well...this morning I discovered there was an unfortunate consequence," he said. Hector paled.

"Eliwood? Y-you don't mean..."

Eliwood nodded.

"Lyn found out."

"Oh, crap! Let me guess, she was really pissed, wasn't she?" Hector groaned.

"She wasn't happy about it," Eliwood said.

"What did she say?" Hector asked.

Eliwood sighed.

"That she didn't appreciate peeling the sticky bedsheets from the mattress, and if she had to do it again, she was going to leave them there," he said. Hector facepalmed.

"I KNEW we forgot something!" 


	3. A little solstice love

"Happy Solstice, Lord Raymond."

"Happy Solstice, Lucius."

They kissed under the mistletoe. Priscilla smiled and turned to her lover.

"Happy Solstice, Sain."

"Happy Solstice, Princess."

They kissed. Then, the two couples broke apart for a moment. Raven gave Priscilla a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks for sticking by me. You're the best sister anyone could ask for," he said.

"Thank you for letting me be your sister again, Raymond."

Sain laughed, bent over and kissed Lucius's hand.

"You're not a lady, but you're elegant and beautiful enough that I must see you as one...or not," he said.

"...Thank you, sir." Lucius blushed.

When they finished, Priscilla and Lucius hugged one another.

"Happy Solstice. I'm glad my brother chose someone as kind as you for his lover," Priscilla said.

"And I'm glad we're finally able to be closer as friends," Lucius said.

Sain and Raven just stood there and stared at each other.

"...Happy Solstice. Don't hurt my sister or I'll impale you," Raven said.

"Happy Solstice, sir Raven. You've nothing to worry about, I'd sooner impale myself than hurt your sister!"

They shook hands. Priscilla and Lucius giggled.

"I'm a bit disappointed. It would've been amusing to see them kiss," Priscilla said.

"It would have been." Lucius nodded. 


	4. Shattered Petals

**NOTE: This is a parody of shitty Lifetime movies, as well as fics that pile on on trauma after trauma in lieu of real conflict and character development. Which are essentially Lifetime movies in text format. As such, this will contain multiple references to rape. If you're bothered by that, I'd suggest skipping this chapter; since there's no plot whatsoever to these stories, you won't lose anything in doing so.**

* * *

><p>Florina was a beautiful poetic artist with an amazing voice and curves in all the right places, but tragically oppressed by her mean sisters and everyone at her school.<p>

One night was on a date with a studmuffin named Sain when suddenly he decided to rape her. Florina screamed like a banshee, so loud she broke several people's car windows, as he raped her like the big meanie he was. She ran down the street crying her pretty violet head off with her pretty dress in tatters when suddenly something very hard hit the back of her head and she fainted like a damsel.

She woke up in a warehouse tied to a board naked with an evil gang of muggers and drunks standing over her.

"Oh, no! Please, let me go, I beg of you!" she cried.

"No way!" the men sneered. They called her names like slut, whore, fatass, weeping asskitten, bimbo, mee krob, and Barbara Streissand as they beat her with stolen car parts and spanked her thighs with spoiled cold cuts. From then on Florina had a terrible fear of men and would wet her pants in horror if anything male came within ten feet of her.

Florina went home that night and the next morning the whole town was calling her a whore because she'd been raped. To make matters worse, she discovered she was pregnant and had herpes! Even her own sisters looked down upon her and didn't believe her when she told them about the rape and the kidnapping! Florina had no choice but to run away forever.

"Goodbye, my home!" she called into the night.

On the streets, Florina was forced to become a prostitute to support her illegitimate child. Tragically, just hours after going through the most painful screaming birth imaginable (in an alley, no less!), she was forced to sell her daughter on the black market lest she be killed. Her baby was gone, her life was going down the toilet, and her panties were missing.

"I should just end it all," she wept.

One night, a blue-haired teenager found her trying to commit suicide by jumping from a bridge! He rescued her, carried her to a rehab center, and helped her get better. Florina fell in love with her savior, but was so ashamed!

"Truly he would reject me if he knew of my sordid past!"

Then, she found out he had a girlfriend-no, a fiance! He was engaged to wed a beautiful snobby socialite who would most certainly be mean to poor Florina! Devastated, Florina fell from the wagon with a horrible crash, and she found herself back in the evil warehouse that started it all.

"How could my life get worse?" the damsel sobbed.

Then suddenly the warehouse caught on fire. Luckily, Florina managed to escape with only slight first-degree burns. And just as a certain handsome blue-haired prince was pulling around the corner on his motorcycle to find the scarred and battered beauty collapsed in the street so he could rescue her and they could live happily ever after...

A giant platypus fell from the sky and crushed everything. The end.

-x-

**Kids, don't watch Lifetime. It blows.**

**Oh, and I don't hate Sain. Far from it, in fact! The reason he's the bad guy in this fic is because it used to be a trend in fandom to portray him as a shallow lech, and I wanted to mock it mercilessly.**


	5. No time for this crap

It had been exactly five minutes since everything had started going crazy, and for Sigurd's army, five minutes was just too long to spend surrounded by madness and spewing catchphrases and doing stupid things unprovoked. They were on a mission, damn it!

"Okay, that does it!" Lex yelled. "Whoever's writing this stupid cartoon better stop before I shove their pen up their ass!"

"Let's pull back the curtain and see who it is. I'll bet it's another sugar-high fangirl," Bridget grumbled.

"Or a stoner," Cuan added.

Deirdre pulled back the curtain to reveal...a large tank full of manatees and colored balls.

A collective "what" rose from the crowd.

"That gig on South Park just wasn't enough, was it?" Sigurd muttered, not caring that he was breaking the fourth wall with a random anachronism. "Okay, get them outta here before someone turns into a pair of pants!"


	6. Worst Soup Ever

"My spoon is too big."

Silence.

"My spoon. Is too big."

More silence.

"_My_ spoon is _too_-"

"Azel, will you stop quoting that ridiculous cartoon and eat the disgusting soup I cooked?" Alvis snapped. Azel sighed, digging his well-sized spoon into the mess. It looked like it could have been one of the Garbage Pail Kids, it was certainly slimy and grotesque enough.

"What did you _put_ in here, anyway?" he asked.

"Everything but the kitchen sink," Alvis deadpanned. "But unless you want bread sandwiches again this is all we have to eat."

Azel sighed again and attempted to force down a bite of the soup. Nope, couldn't even get it near his mouth without wanting to vomit.

"I hate the end of the month."

"Stop being so dramatic and at least try it! Look, I'll prove to you it's edible!" Alvis took a spoonful of the glop and forced it into his mouth...then made a mad dash for the sink. Once he'd successfully scrubbed the taste from his mouth with a clean sponge, he went for the cupboard. Azel smirked.

"Bread sandwiches?"

"Bread sandwiches."


	7. Get Over It

Inspired by metal goat. This all makes sense up until the very last line.

* * *

><p>If there was anything Wallace hated, it was a weak-willed knight sulking about, whining that he just couldn't do it anymore.<p>

But to see a _grown man_ behaving this way was too much. Ever since he laid eyes on the Pheraen warrior Harken, he'd taken every chance he got to tell him that he was a disgrace to knighthood, sulking around like he was.

But every time he expected Harken to cry or get defensive, all he said was, "You're only telling me what I already know." Then he'd go on a tangent about how he'd failed his liege lord, how he didn't deserve to live after what he'd done, and a buttload of other emo bullshit that made Wallace's stomach clench.

One day, Wallace finally had enough. As soon as Harken went into his tirade, the Caelin knight slapped him across the face. (Removing his glove, of course. No sense in breaking the man's bones.)

"When I say you're a disgrace, you're supposed to disagree with me and go out there to prove me wrong!" he barked.

"But I _failed_-"

"Yeah, yeah, you failed your lord, you screwed everything up and you don't wanna live," Wallace rolled his eyes. "Think about this. Lord Elbert is up there, watching you cry and moan like a hurt puppy. I'd wager he's more disappointed at his most trusted knight being an emo kid than not saving him!"

This snapped Harken clear out of his emo spell.

"I never thought of it that way," he said. "He must-"

"He thinks you're a total pansy and now's the time for you to get off your butt and prove him wrong!" Wallace said.

For the first time since his pathetic loss to Nergal, Harken smiled.

"You're right. He wouldn't want me to mope around at a time like this. Lord Eliwood needs me. Marcus and Lowen need me. Lady Eleanora needs me." A flash of blue caught his eye. "She needs me."

Wallace smirked, giving Harken a firm slap on the butt.

"See? I knew you had it in ya!"

"I'm going out there to avenge my dead lord!" Harken said. "Thank you, sir Wallace. Your words have put my heart at ease." He gave the old man a fond pat on the shoulder and grabbed his sword.

As he watched Harken run for the fray, he couldn't help thinking the Pheraen really _did_ have a nice butt.


	8. A Public Service Announcement

Hector frowned.

"Eliwood, why do the curtains smell like...y'know, stuff?"

"Huh?"

"And why are your eyes all dialated and glassy-looking?"

"Umm...Jesus did it?" Eliwood laughed goofily. "Say, I'm hungry. Do we have any chips left?"

Then Hector noticed the rolled-up piece of paper in his friend's hand.

"Eliwood? What the hell are you DOING?"

"Did you just say _doi-ng?_" Eliwood giggled.

"Oh, Eliwood, sick! You're smoking POT? Don't you know how bad that stuff is for your brain and other organs?" Hector yelled.

"Aww, come on! It's not like it's heroin or cocaine or anything! It gives ya a great feeling!" Eliwood draped himself across Hector's shoulder.

"...Normally, I would be very amused and a little turned on by that. But not this time!" Hector grabbed the joint. "You can't do drugs!"

"You're not my mother or Marcus or my girlfriend! You can't boss me around!"

"Ninian doesn't boss you around."

"She told me not to make stupid jokes during the fic cause it made her feel sick!"

Hector sighed.

"Look...just get rid of the joint and let me get Serra or someone," he said.

"Awwww, but it's fun!" Eliwood laughed. "You do it with me! Things get BIGGER when you're all stoned! Like the floor and your hands and your penis!"

"Bigger penis, eh?" Hector thought for a moment. "...Forget it! MY girlfriend thinks my penis is fine the way it is!" He smirked. "And you've never had any complaints either."

"Well, duh!" Eliwood grinned.

"...Eliwood, just get rid of the joint and get yourself healed."

"But I was about to go sploodge out the window at passing cars! Hehehehe! Splot splot splot!"

"...You're more baked than one of Rebecca's apple pies," Hector said.

"Mmm, pies...I wonder what it'd be like to have sex with one!"

"That's it!" Hector threw the joint in the sink and conked Eliwood on the head with a Restore staff.

Then, a spotlight came up and the two stood back to back, facing the fourth wall.

"What you have just seen was a public service announcement," Hector said.

"Drugs are bad. Not only will they ruin your life, but they will seriously mess up your brain and make you say stupid things," Eliwood said.

"So don't do drugs. Otherwise you'll be sploodging all over passing cars while babbling about your girlfriend's pies," Hector added.

"What you already know!" they both said.


	9. Fighting Evil by Moonlight

This is basically a generic parody of the plot and characterization stereotypes in FE fandom with plenty of narrative snark and a surprise ending. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>It was a dark and foggy (you thought I was gonna say stormy, didn't you? HA!) night, and Eliwood's Elite was preparing to battle evil. Eliwood stood like a proud beacon of justice and honor and perfect lordliness because he's soooo generic and stuff except he's actually not.<p>

"Come, my dearest friends! Together, as a team, we will end Ceiling Cat's reign of terror so that we may masturbate in peace!" Wait, what? Let's try that again. "Together, we will fight the evil that comes our way and make the world a better place, because we are the heroes and we are right!"

"HAH! Being good is dumb, let's fight in the arena all night instead!" shouted Hector, being the brute he is. Or is he a badass who's superior to Eliwood in every way? I keep forgetting. Anyway, he wanted to do something else but since the complainer is always wrong, he agreed to fight evil by torchlight like they were supposed to.

"Come on, let's all be optimistic and smile for the good of Mother Earth and Father Sky!" Lyn cheered, then suddenly began to bawl. "I MISS SACAE SOOOOO MUCH!"

"There there, Lyn, it's okay," the cute moe girl Florina said as she comforted her friend's shoulder. THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS, PEOPLE, YURI IS GROSS! No, wait, it's not. They're totally having hot lesbian sex with each other. She let Lyn cry on her until Sain swaggered over being a total perverted lech as usual.

"Fear not, lovely ladies, as my magical gallant penis will sex your fears away!" he said. Upon seeing there was a man nearby, Florina became a quivering mass of fear and ran to hide in a corner.

"Sain! Stop being so perverted and do your job, for it is our sworn duty as knights to be chivalrous and good and morally pure!" Kent scolded. Sain immediately shrank back and began to wibble.

"I'm sorry, Kent, I didn't mean to upset you," he pouted. If he upset Kent, the redhead would never return his love! Wait, no, he's straight, he likes boobs and vaginas and stuff. Not gay. No.

"Hey stop fighting everyone we're here to have fun and fight for friendship and justice and candy bars!" Wil said while he bounced around like an airhead on a sugar high. "Hey Rath! Wanna make out?"

"..." said Rath. Like he always did. He has no emotions or speech capabilities, doncha know.

"EEEEEEERK!" a shrill and annoying and eeeeeeevil voice rang from far away, and everyone covered their ears for the annoying pink devil had arrived!

"Oh please, Elimine, end my miserable life now and forever so I may never have to look at that vile whore again, I beg of you!" Erk bawled. Everyone nodded in agreement except Bartre, who was smashing his head into rocks. And some other guy...what was his name again? Fighter, brown hair-oh yeah, Dorkus. DORCAS. He was just there. Like always. Cause he's got no personality and stuff.

Meanwhile, Raven was going back and forth between making out with Lucius and grumbling that he wanted Ostia dead and stuff about revenge, while Priscilla sat as still as a princess statue, quietly angsting over her love for her brother which was very incestuous. She hated Lucius soooo much for taking away her one true love...actually, she was very very torn. She had romantic feelings for four other guys because she was a big slut, you see. But she didn't realize three of these guys were gay and the other one wanted to bone Serra.

"Everyone, can we please stop the fighting and do what this army is supposed to do?" Marcus said like the boring old drone he is. Everyone shuddered because the sound of that EXP-stealing Jeigan voice was evil enough to sap them of all their energy. Evil Marcus, eeeeevil! Eliwood made a mental note to stuff the man he admired like a second father into a closet for the upcoming fights. Hey, just cause he admires the guy doesn't mean he has to like him and stuff.

"Yeah, cause if we don't battle I can't get paid!" whined Farina, who only cared about money and nothing else. Except humiliating her sister, of course. And pissing off her other sister until that vein popped out on her forehead. "By the way, everyone, Fiora was masturbating over Kent the other day and Florina loves Hector!"

Hector was struck with a sudden sense of overwhelming desire to protect the shrinking violet Florina...but damn, Lyn was hot! And of course, he loved Eliwood and wanted to keep that bitch Ninian away from him. Right now Ninian was whining and crying and clinging to Lord Eliwood like a damsel in distress. Bitch. And her brother Nils was eating sugar. Or brooding. Or both. Something. He's not important.

Florina ran off the battlefield with her sparkling teardrops floating behind her. She loved Hector sooooo much, but she was so afraid of men and she could never tell him and Farina would steal him because she was mean like that.

Fiora started to sputter and look like she was about to pick up an entire building to drop on her sister's head. How dare Farina talk like that, it was improper and immoral and rude! Fiora was so responsible and morally pure, after all. Unless she was flirting with Erk or being sexually repressed over Kent. Anyway! She started yelling and sputtering and scolding Farina and Farina just stood there and laughed her ass off like the bitch she is.

"HEY EVERYONE LISTEN UP AND STOP THIS CRAP WE HAVE A BATTLE TO FIGHT!" said the amazingly ordinary tactician with the mysterious boring past, flowing gray hair, sparkling gray eyes and the magical power of put everyone to sleep with boringness.

So all the personal drama stoppped and the fight began. Yawn, combat and fighting are so boring because nothing happens. Suddenly, a zombie popped out of the bushes and grabbed Lyn!

"HELP! SAVE ME!" cried the action girl, who was now a faux action girl because once a girl gets in trouble she automatically becomes a weepy little wimp who needs her true love to rescue her.

"Lady Lyndis, please do not be afraid, for I will come and rescue you!" Kent said valiantly.

"Hey, no fair, it's my turn to rescue her and have a sappy scene with her this week!" Hector whined.

"...I will go. Because she is the love of my life and we have a kid together in the future," Rath said.

"B-but she's my best friend..." Florina stuttered, wringing her hands.

"I never get to save her," Eliwood whined. "She is the one I love. Let me go and rescue her from the zombie."

"B-b-but L-Lord Eliwood..." Ninian whined with tears wobbling in her eyes. "I-I-I thought you loved _me..._"

"Sorry, Ninian, but you're not kickass enough for me. I only like girls who can fight," Eliwood said. Ninian began to cry yet again and Nils started kicking Eliwood in the shins for being mean to his sister.

Meanwhile, Legault was trying to rape Heath while Matthew was extorting sexual favors from Guy, who secretly liked it. Lowen was cooking up a storm because Lowen only exists to talk about food. And Marcus. Rebecca and Nino were having girltalk, Jaffar was sitting by himself-

"OMG IT'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY BELOVED LEILA!" Matthew screamed loud enough to wake the dead. A catfight ensued and Oswin, finally not being boring for once, dragged Matthew away kicking and screaming like a wounded jaguar. On the way off the field they almost tripped over Pent and Louise, who were making out, and Canas, who was jerking off to his dark magic books.

And more battle stuff, yadda yadda yadda, let's skip this and go to Lyn and her love interest of the week, shall we?

-x-

Lyn awoke from her fainting spell in the warm, strong arms of...VAIDA?

"Thank you for saving me," she said in a totally cute girlish way. Vaida, despite being a total savage, melted and declared her undying love for the Sacaen princess. And then they had hot sex.


	10. Beach Blanket Blowup

One day, Eliwood's Elite was hanging out on the beach in California. Why? Because this is an AU. SURPRISE! Anyway, the girls were in bathing suits and the guys were in swim trunks and everyone was doing their usual thing.

"What a glorious day to soak up rays and be young!" Eliwood crowed, looking sexy but ukeish in royal blue swim trunks. From afar, the shy and pale Ninian sat under an umbrella with Nils, both wearing netted robes over white modest swimsuits and a buttload of sunscreen so they wouldn't burn. Being albino sure does suck! She admired Eliwood and wished she could go have fun with him, but she was afraid because she and Nils were different from everyone.

"Imma jump in the ocean and fight some sharks!" yelled the manly Hector, wearing black swim trunks and being muscular. Hector is THE MANLIEST FE LORD EVER WHO EVERY FE LORD SHOULD ASPIRE TO BE. GOT IT, PUSSIES?

"Aaaah, this is the life!" Lyn sighed. She was wearing an emerald green two-piece and sporting a sexy tan that made all her love interests stop and stare. Even Vaida, whom she'd broken up with after the last fic, couldn't help looking.

Shy little Florina sat near her under an umbrella. She wore a modest lavender one-piece but was very shy and scared about being in her swimsuit in front of men, so she also wore a big flowery shirt, sunglasses, and a big floppy straw hat. She was secretly admiring Hector and being jealous of Lyn. And her sister Farina, who made a show of posing in her scandalously revealing bikini for all the boys.

"Florina can't swim, one time she almost drowned in the shallow end and cried like a hurt puppy for weeks!" the blue-haired brat said. Fiora, wearing a modest sundress, sandals and hat over a modest one-piece, glared at her.

"Stop being mean to Florina, you know how delicate she is! And that swimsuit is too revealing and you look like a whore! You are all so very immoral and wrong!" she scolded.

"I agree very much, Fiora," Kent said, wearing a flannel shirt to cover his exposed chest. Jeez, flannel on a beach, that's gonna be uncomfortable in a few hours. "They are all so improper and it's disgusting." As he said this he had quite a boner from looking at Fiora's bare arms. And Lyn in her bikini.

"Oh Kent, stop being such a boring stick in the sand! Girls in bathing suits are hot and I'm gonna sex 'em up!" Sain said in his usual pervy ways as he went around feeling up women and stealing their tops.

"SAIN! STOP THIS BEHAVIOR AT ONCE!" Kent roared, and Sain immediately recoiled and started wibbling.

"I'm sorry, Kent!"

In the background, Raven and Lucius were making out while Matthew stole people's wallets, Rebecca and Lowen worked the grill cooking up a storm, and Rath didn't say anything because he's boring and emotionless.

"YAAAAAAY THIS IS SO COOL AND FUN I'M ON A SUGAR HIGH WHO WANTS TO HAVE A SANDBALL FIGHT?" Wil and Serra crowed.

"Serra, you're annoying and everyone hates you, and your ass looks fat in that pink bikini," Erk said meanly as he huddled under his own umbrella and continued to read.

"OH ERK YOU JUST NEED TO HAVE FUN!" Serra grabbed him, yanked his cape off and tossed him in the pool. Yes, the beach has its own pool.

Erk sputtered and stared longingly towards a certain flame-haired beauty. Priscilla was wearing a green and white bikini and all the boys were staring. Like, what a whore! Well, that's what a jealous bitch would say because seriously, Priscilla's hot. Suddenly, Serra ran up and groped her from behind.

"Erky's mine so you're not allowed to talk to him anymore!" she said meanly. Priscilla and Serra then had a catfight which led to making out. Needless to say, the girls decided they didn't need Erk anymore. Guy ended up rescuing Erk and the two became BFF.

Amidst the chaos, Vaida was glaring at everyone in disgust. She wore a skimpy bikini and glared at all the men who ogled her while stealing longing glances at Karla. NOT THAT WAY YOU PERVERTS! Okay, maybe a little that way.

"Can we have some semblance of order here?" Marcus asked boringly. Everyone ignored him.

"Sounds like they need to read a copy of _The Manual of BEACH PARTY PROWESS_!"

Everyone turned around as Wallace charged onto the scene in his Speedo. Flexing like a madman. While manly backbeats blared in the background. Because he is Wallace.

"SIR WALLACE?" Even the stoic ones boggled over the sight before them. Because Wallace in a Speedo is that epic. Suddenly, Hector just doesn't seem quite as manly as he did before. Poor guy.

"WHAT'S EVERYONE STANDING AROUND FOR? LET'S CANNONBALL!" he yelled, clamboring up the high dive.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU FLESH-COLORED KETTLE OF STUPIDITY?" Vaida screamed.

"FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS, SNAKEWOMAN!"

Wallace then proceeded to perform the manliest cannonball in the history of cannoballs, which was awesome and soaked everyone within a twenty-mile radius. It was that manly. Unfortunately, the sheer epicness of this cannonball caused poor Ninian to fall in the pool and flail uselessly.

"NINIAAAAAAAAN!" Eliwood dove into the pool to rescue her. She was even paler than usual when he surfaced with her in his arms, and had fainted.

"Oh noes! She's not breathing! Someone call an ambulance, give her some air!" Everyone fussed over the distressed damsel until Eliwood told them to STFU.

"I'll give her CPR!" Surely his magical psuedo-kiss would save her! But as he lowered his lips to hers, Ninian's eyes suddenly snapped open and Eliwood got a face full of water.

"Gotcha!"

(Bet ya didn't see THAT one coming, did you?)

THE END!


End file.
